Saturday Log

When life hands you the leading actress role, you just gotta play it.

1015: CG starts cruising around Floating Castle like sharks.
1020: 8 to 10 sharks asks permission to board Floating Castle. It gets crowded.
1021-1055: Lots of blah. More blah.
1057: Shark: “Time is now 1057 and you are under arrest.”
1057.005: Me: “Okay.” Dang I haven’t even finished my coffee!!!
1058: I am silently amused while 8 to 10 sharks are sharing internal jokes.
1059: I’m being handcuffed for lack of recklessness by the shark wearing the most expensive hat.
1100: Being stuffed inside cruiser. Next to Stone Face.
1101: Heated discussions about actual time of arrival on crime scene going on between Hat Shark and Stone Face.
1105-1106: After a rigorous ride accompanied by music and blue lights, cruiser arrives at midway station, where I’m being read my rights and demanded to sign paper. Expensive Hat apologizes for the eventual case that I should be right and they wrong. I thank him for being kind and self reflective.
1110-1115: Experiencing the wildest car ride ever, full music, lights flashing, people jumping for their lives, cars ending up in the ditches. I secretly give an award for good vehicle handling to Expensive Hat.
1116: Played by centrifugal forces, I make an inappropriate landing in Stone Face’s lap, when Nice Expensive Hat takes sharp road curve at an overly optimistic speed. Stone Face decides to buckle me up.
1121: Arrival at Headquarters.
1122: I’m being told to stand “There! NO not there… THERE!!!”
1123: While standing THERE I notice a guy under the influence being busy over-pissing every available seat in the reception area. A tall guy wearing fine clothes with flashy badges struts through the room loudly announcing: “Michael Jackson’s in the building”. Without getting any feedback, he gives up after fourth attempt.
1126: German fabricated handcuffs are being removed after some difficulties finding the right key.
1127-1140: I’m being asked to remove my Fedora and my glasses. I am cooperative and I voluntarily help filling in the complicated questionnaire. Mr. Nice Hat, reading my passport secrets, remind me of my upcoming birthday. I reveal to him that I’d completely forgotten, and thanks him kindly for the notification.
1141-1147: Full body search is being performed in women’s lavatory by reluctant off-duty female hat person, who brings her best friend along. While slightly cranky Off-duty Hat explains why full nakedness IS necessary to smartphone game playing best friend, I’m wondering whether Off-duty Girl will give me the glove treatment.
1148-1221: I’m back on THAT spot behind the counter, watching Mr. Nice Hat and Stone Face attempting to calculate my belongings, including US$2 and stuffing everything into The Evidence Bag.
1222: After failing miserably, I offer my assistance. I do the math and close the bag while secretly suspecting Stone Face of being stone dead. I receive my Evidence Bag slip.
1228: Off-duty Girl Hat, still hanging around – I suspect her of having a crush on Mr. Nice Expensive Hat – demands me to take a seat.
1229: After taking in the amount of piss dripping off each of the inappropriately soft fabric upholstered chairs in the reception, I see no other option than to refuse to take a seat.
1230: Off-duty Hat Bitch gets loud.
1232: I’m standing nicely, quietly and orderly by the wall next to the piss stinking chairs. Off-duty Bitch gets louder.
1235: Bitchy Hat Bitch looks terrifying when she shows her shark teeth, so I pretend to be taking a seat. Resting my left buttock on the edge of a pissed seat, I get piss on my left hand, but Off-duty Piss Bitcher finally calms down.
1245: My legs starts cramping and I’m disgusted by the warm smell of piss. I get up slowly in hope no one, least not Off-duty Witch, will notice.
1246: It’s quiet. No body noticed.
1250: It’s no longer quiet.
1251: I hear keys rattling.
1253: I’m being led to the detention locker.
1254-1259: I enjoy the acting part of Stone Dead, as he fights 2 zillion ants flocking around the leftovers of a Happy Meal, now racing up his hands and uniform. He doesn’t look happy but he never did.
1300: Mr. Nice Hat apologizes as he locks the door to the detention.
1301-1341: I quickly confirm any amount of time spend in this extraordinarily high-ceilinged room, are gonna be spend in vertical position, moving around in a not-too-slow-pace to avoid ant-attacks. The room is mind-blowing. There are scribbles all over, even the ceiling. I wonder how somebody managed to get up there. Weird scratches on rusty surfaces. Beige paint. Tiles, all of them missing, just remnants of gridded grout. It has a mental smell to it. Rare beauty. I’m not bored. I’m busy trying to decipher the codes. While bent forward in awkward position, trying to read the writings under the low concrete bench I hear:
1341-1343:
  Mr. Unfamiliar Voice: “Is she drunk?”
  Mr. Nice Hat: “No”.
  Mr. Unfamiliar Voice: “What’s she doing in there?”
  Mr. Nice Hat: “Erhh”
Discussions over my case. Shouting. More shouting. Correctional shoutings. Mud throwing. Hmm’s and er’s and sorry’s fill the air. Mr. Nice Hat is in trouble.
  Mr. Unfamiliar Voice: “Get her outta there! NOW! And then you get in your cruiser and bring her back to where you took her from. Understood?”
  Mr. Nice Hat: “Yes sir.”
1344: I hear keys rattle. Door is opened and a blushing Mr. Nice Hat tells me I’m free to go. I ask him if I may come back tomorrow and photograph the detention, which he disappointingly tells me I’m not allowed to. Bithy Witch Hat Girl and Stone Dead are nowhere to be seen. Only Nice Hat and Unfamiliar Voice.
1345: Unfamiliar Voice, dressed in super funky plenty pop-rivets pants and intellectual glasses, gives me a personal apology and ask me to remember his name.
1346: I’m signing my release paper, feeling fortunate I’m still alive, I decline the cruiser-ride home.
1347: I walk out of Headquarters as a free, yet technically still an illegal alien.
 

4 comments

  1. i just love how you write – its like nothing i’ve ever read before – abstract and surreal but visceral and funny and black-and-white and colourful and clever

  2. And this happened to you?

    And a fedora?

  3. Wow what a crazy day you had! I’d love to see video of this. :-D

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